Breaking Free From People-Pleasing Tendencies

As tempting as it may be to think about why women might be perceived as "people pleasers" and how they could change, it's important to approach this topic with sensitivity and awareness of the diverse experiences and personalities of women - background, culture, personality, etc. Instead of focusing on stereotypes or placing blame, the focus can be on assertiveness and boundary-setting, which can apply to anyone, regardless of gender.

We all want to be liked and accepted by others, and sometimes, this desire to please can lead us to prioritize others' needs and opinions over our own. This isn't exclusive to women—it's something that people of all genders can struggle with. However, cultural and societal expectations, as well as what was modeled for us, often place a heavier burden on women to be nurturing, accommodating, and agreeable.

From a young age, girls are often socialized to prioritize the needs and feelings of others. They may be praised for being polite, helpful, and compliant, while assertiveness or boundary-setting might be discouraged or seen as unfeminine. Over time, this can lead to a pattern of behavior where women feel pressure to say yes to everything, even at the expense of their own well-being.

There are many reasons why someone might fall into the trap of people-pleasing. It could stem from a fear of rejection or conflict, a desire to avoid confrontation, low self-esteem, or a belief that their worth is tied to how much they can do for others (something I hear a lot from my coachees). Whatever the underlying reasons, it's essential to recognize that people-pleasing is a learned behavior that can be unlearned with time and effort.

So, how can women (and anyone else who struggles with people-pleasing) break free from this pattern? The key lies in developing self-awareness, setting boundaries, and learning to prioritize their own needs and desires.

Self-awareness involves paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and understanding why you might feel compelled to constantly seek approval from others. Are there certain situations or types of people that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies? By identifying these patterns, you can start to challenge them and make conscious choices about how you want to respond.

Setting boundaries is another crucial aspect of breaking free from people-pleasing. This means clearly communicating your needs, preferences, and limits to others, and being willing to say no when necessary. It's important to remember that setting boundaries isn't selfish or mean —it's an essential part of self-care and maintaining healthy relationships. In fact, I don’t think you can have healthy relationships without boundaries.

Learning to prioritize your own needs and desires can be challenging, especially if you're used to putting others first. Start by taking small steps to prioritize self-care and make time for activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Remember, self-care doesn’t have to be time consuming. To make it more manageable, try to build practices into your day for a few minutes here and there. Start saying no to requests or obligations that don't align with your values or goals, and surround yourself with supportive people who respect your boundaries.

Changing ingrained patterns of behavior takes time and effort, so be patient with yourself as you work to break free from people-pleasing. Remember that it's okay to ask for help and support from friends, family, or a therapist/coach if you're struggling to make changes on your own.

This is not easy work, but I know that with a little time, introspection and practice we can all be free from the chains of people pleasing!