Change Your Frame of Reference

Have you read The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins? I finished it last week, and while I’m not convinced it’s the be all end all book (for many reasons), there were a couple of key takeaways for me...things that really make me think and reflect.

Before I share the biggest takeaway, I want you to imagine the following scenario. If this doesn’t apply to you, think of something similar.

You just got into an argument with your partner because he worked much later than usual, and all the household + childcare responsibilities fell on your shoulders. You’re tired of holding everything up by yourself – your own work, groceries, laundry, the kids, the kids’ activities, etc. You want your relationship to be more 50/50, and despite your partner wanting this too, the balance just isn’t there. You’re frustrated and upset with him.

Now, when I reread this paragraph, I 110% relate to the partner carrying the majority of the load. I understand her, and like I often say, women feel like the lone mother duck who looks calm on the surface but is frantically treading water just to stay afloat.

Now, stay with me for a second. It’s so easy in this scenario to take this partner’s side. But what if we changed our frame of reference and looked at it from the eyes of the partner who has to work late? I’m pretty sure we’d see a devoted husband and father who is working hard for his family. I’m sure we’d see someone who would rather be at home than at work. And I’m sure we’d see someone who loves his family with everything he’s got.

This isn’t an easy situation to fix. There’s a lot going on here, and these two people are going to have to work hard to find solutions that address their issues while being agile and flexible. But when we look at it from one side (our own) and disregard the other person’s perspective/experience, we miss out on important data points, and we’re likely tell ourselves an incomplete story.

I love the idea of changing your frame of reference because it reminds us that our thoughts/feelings/reactions are not the only inputs. In moments of pause and calm, we have to reflect on what other people may be thinking and feeling. This is the only way we can complete the story and solve the problem.

Like I said, the book wasn’t all that it was cut out to be (for me personally), but there were definitely a few key takeaways that struck a chord!